I'm sitting here working on my huge portfolio due Wednesday, and as usual my mind is somewhere else. My mind...I can't control it. It won't think about what I want it to think about. It won't do what it knows it should. It goes when it wants and doesn't come back until much after I actually needed it for something productive, like schoolwork. It is constantly thinking. I can't get it to stop. It's impossibe to not be thinking about something, but why does it have to think the things it does? Is it trying to torture me? Does my mind hate me? I'm beginning to think it does.
It tricked me. It made me believe that everything was great and right in the world. Has your mind ever doen that to you? Have you ever had one of those break-taking single perfect moments where everything was right in the world? I have. Many times. But you know what, everything isn't perfect in the world. Even then it wasn't. I just thought it was perfect because my mind was playing tricks on me. I know it wasn't real. Why then, do I wish I could go back to that time when everything did feel right in the world? I suppose because I'd rather have naive hope than cynical reality. Nonetheless, my mind has other plans for me.
I just want to be genuinely happy again. How do I get to that point? How long will it take? I'm a happy person. I swear I am. I'm an optimist. At least I was. I'm a strong person. Maybe I was wrong. I just don't know anymore. I don't know! I hate those words. They aren't an answer for anything. They're an easy way out. I still use them...I always will. I hate them, but I know that as unanswering as they are, sometimes they're the only answer you can give. I don't know why my mind won't let me stop thinking. I want to stop thinking. Then I could actually just get over it and move on. I wish it were that easy, but it's my mind...It runs the show and there's nothing I can do about it...but continue thinking.
I just want to sleep the days away
At least then I wouldn't be thinking
Katherine
Monday, December 11, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
And a year later...
So finals week is almost upon me...and I have much to do. I'm half way through an eight page writing assignment, I have a five page paper to write, a portfolio to do, a short story to revise, and three finals to study for. I'm trying to manage my time wisely, but we all know how crazy it is to concentrate during crunch time...So needless to say I've been doing my fair share of procrastinating (Go figure). Last night I was looking through some old blog entries and I found one from exactly a year ago today, December 6, 2005! And how appropriate, it was all about procrastinating, and included one of those good old surveys about myself.
So I thought what better way to procrastinate than to update a survey I did a year ago and see how many of the answers have changed. And that's exactly what I did. Some of my answers stayed the same and some changed. If you want to check out the old answers then you can click here: http://kml12.blogspot.com/2005/12/i-really-dont-want-to-continue-working.html. And if you want to see the new answers then just look below! Heehee.
::51 things you didn't know about me (Or maybe you do...)
1. What is your middle name? Marie
2. Last person you kissed? That would be my last boyfriend...whom I still love…but who doesn’t love me anymore…
3. What are you listening to right now? Cold December by Matt Costa and other Christmas/winter music
4. Last two digits of your phone number? Still 41...
5. Last thing you ate? Some Honey Roasted Peanuts...yum!
6. Last person you hugged? Marissa when she went home this past weekend
7. How is the weather right now? Not very wintery, and I'm mad! Where's the snow?!
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom, I was telling her what my professor thought of my short story...
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Physical quality would still have to be their smile. When I see a nice smile, I can’t help but smile too. If we’re talking about characteristics I would have to say their ability to make me laugh.
10. Favorite type of food? Well…since Marissa and I are still having our no dessert bet then I’m going to have to say dessert. Any kind! Chocolate! Cheesecake! Cow tales! Yum…
11. Do you drink? I think this means alcohol. I will drink very rarely, and when I do it is only one small drink at a time and it’s always when I’m at home, not at a party. I have never been drunk.
12. Do you smoke? No way! And I’m very thankful that soon people won’t be able to smoke in restaurants.
13. Ever get so drunk you don’t remember what you did? No, thank goodness. Personally I don’t see what’s so fun about that…
14. Hair color? I like to call it dull red. It’s not as pretty as Marissa and mom’s
15. Eye Color? Um…I’d say blue/gray…nothing extraordinary.
16. Do you wear contacts? Nope.
17. Favorite Holiday? Only the best holiday ever, and it’s almost here! Christmas time, baby!
18. When's your birthday? May 6, 1987
19. Have you ever cried for no reason? Oh yes, I think a good cry every now and then is healthy…but recently I’ve been crying for a specific reason…
20. Last movie you watched? Um….let me think…I’ll go with the last full movie I watched, which was Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
21. Last time you were at work? Just this past Thanksgiving break. It was nice to be back. I’ll probably work some over Christmas break too.
22. Last time you were out of your town? I’m going to refer to “your town” as where I am now, which is Oxford. So the answer is when I went HOME to Loudonville for Thanksgiving break.
23. Last time you went bowling? Um…it has been a long time…I do believe that it was Christmas break last year with Miss Tiffani Martini and Marissa Grunt.
24. Something unusual about you? Well, last year I said that I couldn’t wink, but now I sort of can (even though it’s not pretty to look at). So I’ll have to say that something unusual about me is that I don’t like strawberries, but I do like certain strawberry flavored things.
25. Favorite breakfast food? Yeah…not a big breakfast person. I have been eating A LOT of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal this year…only it wasn’t for breakfast…
26. Favorite color? Blue!
27. What are you afraid of? Losing a loved one.
28. If you could take a trip anywhere, where would it be? Um…I think England…and actually I will hopefully be studying abroad there next year!
29. What books are you reading? Unfortunately none at the moment…over Christmas break I do plan on reading The Da Vinci Code and hopefully some other books.
30. Piercings? I just have my ears pierced.
31. Favorite movie? Yeah…if you know me at all you know it’s very hard for me to pick just one favorite movie, but I’m going to have to say that Pirates of the Caribbean is still way up there. Johnny Depp AND Orlando Bloom, come on!
32. Favorite basketball team? I’m still going to have to say the LHS basketball team from my senior year.
33. What were you doing before you filled this out? Actually being productive! Woo Hoo!
34. Any pets? Well, Anna is officially an outside cat now, but we have TWO new baby kittens! Pepper is a long haired calico with mitten paws! And Ginger is a long haired orange and white cat. They’re sisters!
35. Instant Messenger name? You probably all have it, especially if you are reading my blog.
36. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? Oh…butter popcocrn…you rock my world.
37. DOGS OR CATS? Definitely a cat person, but I can stand some types of dogs.
38. Favorite Flower? Still Chrysanthemums39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? I’m sure I have, but I can’t think of anything specific…
40. Are you single or taken? That’s funny. Last year I answered “single, but not by choice.” And I'd have to say that still fits for this year…go figure.
41. Have you ever loved someone? Yes, with all my heart…and it was the most wonderful thing anyone could possibly feel. I am so thankful for having the chance to love that much.
42. Who would you like to see right now? My parents, at least I know that they won’t just stop loving me.
43. What's your occupation? No occupation just yet…still an English Education major though…and feeling a bit more confident about it.
44. Have you ever fired a gun? Um…I still don’t know if it was a real gun or not…Danny DeVault had it at one of Matt’s bonfires back in high school
45. Do you like to travel by plane? I can’t really say because I’ve only been on a tiny plane for like 5 minutes on the way to Put-in-Bay in the winter. That is going to make it extremely difficult to be on a plane for such a long time if I study abroad next year.
46. Right-handed or left-handed? Right, but I wish I were ambidextrous. That’d be cool.
47. If you could be with someone right now, who would it be? Um…well I always want to see my family and my girls, but honestly I think Josh and Will because Marissa and them had a lot of fun this last weekend, and I felt left out because I stupidly chose to stay here.
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? I sleep with one pillow under my head, but I lay on my stomach, sort of on my hands…so I really barely use it…um...nevermind.
49. Are you missing someone? Yes, I miss someone probably too much.
50. Do you have a tattoo? Nope.
51. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? Nah…not anymore. If I can I like to sleep in on Saturdays.
I guess not a whole lot has changed...
Procrastinators Unite!
Katherine
So I thought what better way to procrastinate than to update a survey I did a year ago and see how many of the answers have changed. And that's exactly what I did. Some of my answers stayed the same and some changed. If you want to check out the old answers then you can click here: http://kml12.blogspot.com/2005/12/i-really-dont-want-to-continue-working.html. And if you want to see the new answers then just look below! Heehee.
::51 things you didn't know about me (Or maybe you do...)
1. What is your middle name? Marie
2. Last person you kissed? That would be my last boyfriend...whom I still love…but who doesn’t love me anymore…
3. What are you listening to right now? Cold December by Matt Costa and other Christmas/winter music
4. Last two digits of your phone number? Still 41...
5. Last thing you ate? Some Honey Roasted Peanuts...yum!
6. Last person you hugged? Marissa when she went home this past weekend
7. How is the weather right now? Not very wintery, and I'm mad! Where's the snow?!
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom, I was telling her what my professor thought of my short story...
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Physical quality would still have to be their smile. When I see a nice smile, I can’t help but smile too. If we’re talking about characteristics I would have to say their ability to make me laugh.
10. Favorite type of food? Well…since Marissa and I are still having our no dessert bet then I’m going to have to say dessert. Any kind! Chocolate! Cheesecake! Cow tales! Yum…
11. Do you drink? I think this means alcohol. I will drink very rarely, and when I do it is only one small drink at a time and it’s always when I’m at home, not at a party. I have never been drunk.
12. Do you smoke? No way! And I’m very thankful that soon people won’t be able to smoke in restaurants.
13. Ever get so drunk you don’t remember what you did? No, thank goodness. Personally I don’t see what’s so fun about that…
14. Hair color? I like to call it dull red. It’s not as pretty as Marissa and mom’s
15. Eye Color? Um…I’d say blue/gray…nothing extraordinary.
16. Do you wear contacts? Nope.
17. Favorite Holiday? Only the best holiday ever, and it’s almost here! Christmas time, baby!
18. When's your birthday? May 6, 1987
19. Have you ever cried for no reason? Oh yes, I think a good cry every now and then is healthy…but recently I’ve been crying for a specific reason…
20. Last movie you watched? Um….let me think…I’ll go with the last full movie I watched, which was Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
21. Last time you were at work? Just this past Thanksgiving break. It was nice to be back. I’ll probably work some over Christmas break too.
22. Last time you were out of your town? I’m going to refer to “your town” as where I am now, which is Oxford. So the answer is when I went HOME to Loudonville for Thanksgiving break.
23. Last time you went bowling? Um…it has been a long time…I do believe that it was Christmas break last year with Miss Tiffani Martini and Marissa Grunt.
24. Something unusual about you? Well, last year I said that I couldn’t wink, but now I sort of can (even though it’s not pretty to look at). So I’ll have to say that something unusual about me is that I don’t like strawberries, but I do like certain strawberry flavored things.
25. Favorite breakfast food? Yeah…not a big breakfast person. I have been eating A LOT of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal this year…only it wasn’t for breakfast…
26. Favorite color? Blue!
27. What are you afraid of? Losing a loved one.
28. If you could take a trip anywhere, where would it be? Um…I think England…and actually I will hopefully be studying abroad there next year!
29. What books are you reading? Unfortunately none at the moment…over Christmas break I do plan on reading The Da Vinci Code and hopefully some other books.
30. Piercings? I just have my ears pierced.
31. Favorite movie? Yeah…if you know me at all you know it’s very hard for me to pick just one favorite movie, but I’m going to have to say that Pirates of the Caribbean is still way up there. Johnny Depp AND Orlando Bloom, come on!
32. Favorite basketball team? I’m still going to have to say the LHS basketball team from my senior year.
33. What were you doing before you filled this out? Actually being productive! Woo Hoo!
34. Any pets? Well, Anna is officially an outside cat now, but we have TWO new baby kittens! Pepper is a long haired calico with mitten paws! And Ginger is a long haired orange and white cat. They’re sisters!
35. Instant Messenger name? You probably all have it, especially if you are reading my blog.
36. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? Oh…butter popcocrn…you rock my world.
37. DOGS OR CATS? Definitely a cat person, but I can stand some types of dogs.
38. Favorite Flower? Still Chrysanthemums39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? I’m sure I have, but I can’t think of anything specific…
40. Are you single or taken? That’s funny. Last year I answered “single, but not by choice.” And I'd have to say that still fits for this year…go figure.
41. Have you ever loved someone? Yes, with all my heart…and it was the most wonderful thing anyone could possibly feel. I am so thankful for having the chance to love that much.
42. Who would you like to see right now? My parents, at least I know that they won’t just stop loving me.
43. What's your occupation? No occupation just yet…still an English Education major though…and feeling a bit more confident about it.
44. Have you ever fired a gun? Um…I still don’t know if it was a real gun or not…Danny DeVault had it at one of Matt’s bonfires back in high school
45. Do you like to travel by plane? I can’t really say because I’ve only been on a tiny plane for like 5 minutes on the way to Put-in-Bay in the winter. That is going to make it extremely difficult to be on a plane for such a long time if I study abroad next year.
46. Right-handed or left-handed? Right, but I wish I were ambidextrous. That’d be cool.
47. If you could be with someone right now, who would it be? Um…well I always want to see my family and my girls, but honestly I think Josh and Will because Marissa and them had a lot of fun this last weekend, and I felt left out because I stupidly chose to stay here.
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? I sleep with one pillow under my head, but I lay on my stomach, sort of on my hands…so I really barely use it…um...nevermind.
49. Are you missing someone? Yes, I miss someone probably too much.
50. Do you have a tattoo? Nope.
51. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? Nah…not anymore. If I can I like to sleep in on Saturdays.
I guess not a whole lot has changed...
Procrastinators Unite!
Katherine
Monday, December 04, 2006
A Preview
And since I'm not quite up to my full writing potential yet...a little light reading for you....
Chasing Cars
Exit 95. My eyes shift quickly from the tattered red Ford truck ahead of me to the illuminated green glow of the digital clock – 10:24 a.m. It has been four exits and three hours since I left the near empty gas station where I refueled my car and filled my stomach with the refreshing coffee from the machine. It was supposed to taste like French Vanilla, but had reminded me more of the off brand coffee substitute my grandmother used to buy with the coupons she would receive in the mail. My 2002 Toyota Camry seemed to be steering itself as I successfully switched lanes to make room for the merging vehicles coming up on the right.
As the speedometer makes its way back down to 60 mph I feel a tickle in my nose and sneeze almost uncontrollably, twice. I remember reading somewhere that it’s impossible to keep your eyes open during those few seconds when you sneeze, and I wonder how many minutes I’ve spent with my eyes closed so far during the journey. For the past couple of days I have been dealing with a minor cold that was so inconveniently given to me by a coworker. Glancing through the rear view mirror at my usually tidy backseat I cringe at the sight of dozens of used white Kleenex that had been rolled into soft balls and tossed behind me. Due to the absence of a trash bag of any sort, the little balls of white are randomly spread around the car, lying on the tan leather seats, shoved into the side pockets of the car door, or placed on the floor, hidden from view.
It’s unusually bright as the sun shines through my windshield, and I have to squint slightly as I feel for the visor and pull it to the left side of the window without removing my eyes from the never-ending stretch of road ahead. I’ve had my car for months now, but I can still detect a pinch of new car smell, even through the cheap coffee that I had finished over 130 miles ago. Steadying the wheel with my left hand, I use only my right index finger to turn on the radio and switch from station to station until I hear a familiar song. A case full of c.d.s lay in the passenger seat next to me, but I opt for the radio instead because I’d rather leave the music selections up to an infinite source. “Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter” softly reverberates from the speakers and I’m immediately taken back in time.
“Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it’s alright,” he sang along mockingly to the Beatles tune. The music bounced off the walls of the bus as it trekked along Main Street on the late February night. It was nearing the end of winter, but tonight the snow was gliding sweetly from the sparkling sky, like angels coming down from heaven.
“Hey, I love this song,” I said shivering from the cold breeze that creaked through the constantly frosted windows. My hands, possibly the only warmth in my entire body, were shoved into the pockets of my black pea coat and I played with the ball of tissues inside.
“Well, I love you,” he pulled me closer to him and kissed my rose tinted cheek. After a moment of silence a cloud of cold air escaped from my mouth and I let out a gentle, “Really? Are you sure?”
“One hundred percent positive,” he nodded his head in a definite manner. Not wasting a single instant I replied with four words that I was already so sure of, “I love you too.”
Justin and I had met nearly two months ago at my cousin’s 21st birthday party. Being one of the only freshmen amidst the crowded zoo of upperclassmen, I didn’t really notice him until half way through the evening when my obviously intoxicated cousin introduced him as “the dude who sits behind me in Calculus.” For the rest of the night I stood facing his 5 foot 11 physique, fixing my attention on his chocolate brown eyes. They were the color of every other person’s at the party, yet the simplicity of the brown against the rest of his features made them unexpectedly unique. With his arms crossed firmly across his chest, you could see the outline of the blue veins flowing across the discrete muscles that glistened even in the dim light. His broad shoulders arched forward with every movement he made, and every time those dimples formed into that wide mischievous smirk I couldn’t help but smile myself. There was nothing extraordinary about his appearance, but I sensed something in him that the naked eye alone couldn’t see and though I’m not quite sure what it was, I was hooked.
If you want to read more, just let me know
Hopefully soon I'll be back to my old writing crazy self...
Katherine
Chasing Cars
Exit 95. My eyes shift quickly from the tattered red Ford truck ahead of me to the illuminated green glow of the digital clock – 10:24 a.m. It has been four exits and three hours since I left the near empty gas station where I refueled my car and filled my stomach with the refreshing coffee from the machine. It was supposed to taste like French Vanilla, but had reminded me more of the off brand coffee substitute my grandmother used to buy with the coupons she would receive in the mail. My 2002 Toyota Camry seemed to be steering itself as I successfully switched lanes to make room for the merging vehicles coming up on the right.
As the speedometer makes its way back down to 60 mph I feel a tickle in my nose and sneeze almost uncontrollably, twice. I remember reading somewhere that it’s impossible to keep your eyes open during those few seconds when you sneeze, and I wonder how many minutes I’ve spent with my eyes closed so far during the journey. For the past couple of days I have been dealing with a minor cold that was so inconveniently given to me by a coworker. Glancing through the rear view mirror at my usually tidy backseat I cringe at the sight of dozens of used white Kleenex that had been rolled into soft balls and tossed behind me. Due to the absence of a trash bag of any sort, the little balls of white are randomly spread around the car, lying on the tan leather seats, shoved into the side pockets of the car door, or placed on the floor, hidden from view.
It’s unusually bright as the sun shines through my windshield, and I have to squint slightly as I feel for the visor and pull it to the left side of the window without removing my eyes from the never-ending stretch of road ahead. I’ve had my car for months now, but I can still detect a pinch of new car smell, even through the cheap coffee that I had finished over 130 miles ago. Steadying the wheel with my left hand, I use only my right index finger to turn on the radio and switch from station to station until I hear a familiar song. A case full of c.d.s lay in the passenger seat next to me, but I opt for the radio instead because I’d rather leave the music selections up to an infinite source. “Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter” softly reverberates from the speakers and I’m immediately taken back in time.
“Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it’s alright,” he sang along mockingly to the Beatles tune. The music bounced off the walls of the bus as it trekked along Main Street on the late February night. It was nearing the end of winter, but tonight the snow was gliding sweetly from the sparkling sky, like angels coming down from heaven.
“Hey, I love this song,” I said shivering from the cold breeze that creaked through the constantly frosted windows. My hands, possibly the only warmth in my entire body, were shoved into the pockets of my black pea coat and I played with the ball of tissues inside.
“Well, I love you,” he pulled me closer to him and kissed my rose tinted cheek. After a moment of silence a cloud of cold air escaped from my mouth and I let out a gentle, “Really? Are you sure?”
“One hundred percent positive,” he nodded his head in a definite manner. Not wasting a single instant I replied with four words that I was already so sure of, “I love you too.”
Justin and I had met nearly two months ago at my cousin’s 21st birthday party. Being one of the only freshmen amidst the crowded zoo of upperclassmen, I didn’t really notice him until half way through the evening when my obviously intoxicated cousin introduced him as “the dude who sits behind me in Calculus.” For the rest of the night I stood facing his 5 foot 11 physique, fixing my attention on his chocolate brown eyes. They were the color of every other person’s at the party, yet the simplicity of the brown against the rest of his features made them unexpectedly unique. With his arms crossed firmly across his chest, you could see the outline of the blue veins flowing across the discrete muscles that glistened even in the dim light. His broad shoulders arched forward with every movement he made, and every time those dimples formed into that wide mischievous smirk I couldn’t help but smile myself. There was nothing extraordinary about his appearance, but I sensed something in him that the naked eye alone couldn’t see and though I’m not quite sure what it was, I was hooked.
If you want to read more, just let me know
Hopefully soon I'll be back to my old writing crazy self...
Katherine
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