I guess it just poured out of me

Today would have been our six month anniversary. I was looking at my calendar and had to scribble it out because apparently I had written it in back when he may have actually loved me. Not a day has passed since the break up that I haven't cried. I thought I was doing fine, but as it turns out, I was wrong. The tears come too easily. Was I naive to believe that my dream guy, the one I liked all through high school, could actually be the one? Was I stupid for falling in love so easily? In my defense, you can't help who you fall in love with. It's not something you can control. And it's not like I wish I'd never fallen in love iwth him in the first place. I don't regret it, even after all this pain. I don't regret the few months of pure bliss where I would wake up every morning thinking how lucky I was. Who would? It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. At least that's what they say. I believe it. Back when I thought he loved me was wonderful. Does it matter that it may have all been a lie? Does it matter that he fell out of love with me? Does anything matter anymore? You'd think I'd want to blame him. It's his fault for leading me on, it's his fault for not giving it a try. I can't blame him. You can't be mad at someone for doing the right thing. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me enough to try or someone who doesn't even love me period. I don't want him to be in a relationship that he doesn't want to be in. That wouldn't be pleasing to anyone. For a week and a half I'd been listening to music, sad music about heartbreaks and love (I wasn't strong enough for the hopeful songs). I haven't listened to any music at all in the past two days. I guess I'm just sick of it all. I'm depressed. I'm heartbroken. I am more miserable now than I have ever been. The music is beginning to sound like broken records. No matter what the lyrics are saying all I hear is "he doesn't love you." It's all that goes through my mind. I think of all the great times we had. "He doesn't love you." I look at the pictures and read the old text messages and letters. "He doesn't love you." I cry because I can't stop loving him. "He doesn't love you." Get over it, move on. It's over. It will never be the same. I know that it was the right thing to do. I want him to be happy. He's a great guy, the best I've ever known. He deserves to be happy. If it wasn't me making him happy it should be someone else. I know that. I know that I'll get through this with time. I've seen enough to know that. It's just going to be bad and hurt worse before it gets better. I have to face the facts. I have to convince myself that he doesn't love me. Nothing else will help me get through this. Even though right now I can't truthfully say that I want to get through this, that I want to get over him. His smile still makes me weak in the knees. His laugh still makes me want to never stop joking. I am amazed by him, I always was. Just seeing him makes me want to fall into his arms. But I can't. Those arms aren't mine anymore. They're no longer safe. I don't feel safe anymore. I have a lot of wonderful people who love and care about me. I am so unbelievably grateful for them, but still all those people who do love me doesn't make up for the one who doesn't. I have to accept it, I have to move on. I have to stop crying (I don't want to...). I have to stop expecting to see his name come up every time I get a phone call. I have to stop looking at all the stuff that reminds me of him. Which is impossible because everything screams his name. I can't escape. I can't hide. And I can't do anything to make the tears stop. "He doesn't love you. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love you." The more I say it the more I try to move on. It's not happening yet. It won't for a while. Patience is a virtue. I waited all through high school to have my chance with him. I waited months for him to loosen up and not be so shy. It seems only right that I had to wait until he was brave enough to end it. It seems only right that I now have to wait to get over him. it's not going to be easy, but that's just the way it is. Break some hearts, have your heart broken, there's no avoiding it. I know that. I know a lot of things...all except why he doesn't love me anymore (if he ever did...) And that is something I may never know, but it doesn't really matter either way. "He doesn't love you." From the moment the words came out of his mouth until the day I'm really alright that's all that matters.