Losing my mind

I'm sitting here working on my huge portfolio due Wednesday, and as usual my mind is somewhere else. My mind...I can't control it. It won't think about what I want it to think about. It won't do what it knows it should. It goes when it wants and doesn't come back until much after I actually needed it for something productive, like schoolwork. It is constantly thinking. I can't get it to stop. It's impossibe to not be thinking about something, but why does it have to think the things it does? Is it trying to torture me? Does my mind hate me? I'm beginning to think it does.

It tricked me. It made me believe that everything was great and right in the world. Has your mind ever doen that to you? Have you ever had one of those break-taking single perfect moments where everything was right in the world? I have. Many times. But you know what, everything isn't perfect in the world. Even then it wasn't. I just thought it was perfect because my mind was playing tricks on me. I know it wasn't real. Why then, do I wish I could go back to that time when everything did feel right in the world? I suppose because I'd rather have naive hope than cynical reality. Nonetheless, my mind has other plans for me.

I just want to be genuinely happy again. How do I get to that point? How long will it take? I'm a happy person. I swear I am. I'm an optimist. At least I was. I'm a strong person. Maybe I was wrong. I just don't know anymore. I don't know! I hate those words. They aren't an answer for anything. They're an easy way out. I still use them...I always will. I hate them, but I know that as unanswering as they are, sometimes they're the only answer you can give. I don't know why my mind won't let me stop thinking. I want to stop thinking. Then I could actually just get over it and move on. I wish it were that easy, but it's my mind...It runs the show and there's nothing I can do about it...but continue thinking.

I just want to sleep the days away
At least then I wouldn't be thinking

Katherine

And a year later...

So finals week is almost upon me...and I have much to do. I'm half way through an eight page writing assignment, I have a five page paper to write, a portfolio to do, a short story to revise, and three finals to study for. I'm trying to manage my time wisely, but we all know how crazy it is to concentrate during crunch time...So needless to say I've been doing my fair share of procrastinating (Go figure). Last night I was looking through some old blog entries and I found one from exactly a year ago today, December 6, 2005! And how appropriate, it was all about procrastinating, and included one of those good old surveys about myself.

So I thought what better way to procrastinate than to update a survey I did a year ago and see how many of the answers have changed. And that's exactly what I did. Some of my answers stayed the same and some changed. If you want to check out the old answers then you can click here: http://kml12.blogspot.com/2005/12/i-really-dont-want-to-continue-working.html. And if you want to see the new answers then just look below! Heehee.

::51 things you didn't know about me (Or maybe you do...)

1. What is your middle name? Marie
2. Last person you kissed? That would be my last boyfriend...whom I still love…but who doesn’t love me anymore…
3. What are you listening to right now? Cold December by Matt Costa and other Christmas/winter music
4. Last two digits of your phone number? Still 41...
5. Last thing you ate? Some Honey Roasted Peanuts...yum!
6. Last person you hugged? Marissa when she went home this past weekend
7. How is the weather right now? Not very wintery, and I'm mad! Where's the snow?!
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom, I was telling her what my professor thought of my short story...
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Physical quality would still have to be their smile. When I see a nice smile, I can’t help but smile too. If we’re talking about characteristics I would have to say their ability to make me laugh.
10. Favorite type of food? Well…since Marissa and I are still having our no dessert bet then I’m going to have to say dessert. Any kind! Chocolate! Cheesecake! Cow tales! Yum…
11. Do you drink? I think this means alcohol. I will drink very rarely, and when I do it is only one small drink at a time and it’s always when I’m at home, not at a party. I have never been drunk.
12. Do you smoke? No way! And I’m very thankful that soon people won’t be able to smoke in restaurants.
13. Ever get so drunk you don’t remember what you did? No, thank goodness. Personally I don’t see what’s so fun about that…
14. Hair color? I like to call it dull red. It’s not as pretty as Marissa and mom’s
15. Eye Color? Um…I’d say blue/gray…nothing extraordinary.
16. Do you wear contacts? Nope.
17. Favorite Holiday? Only the best holiday ever, and it’s almost here! Christmas time, baby!
18. When's your birthday? May 6, 1987
19. Have you ever cried for no reason? Oh yes, I think a good cry every now and then is healthy…but recently I’ve been crying for a specific reason…
20. Last movie you watched? Um….let me think…I’ll go with the last full movie I watched, which was Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
21. Last time you were at work? Just this past Thanksgiving break. It was nice to be back. I’ll probably work some over Christmas break too.
22. Last time you were out of your town? I’m going to refer to “your town” as where I am now, which is Oxford. So the answer is when I went HOME to Loudonville for Thanksgiving break.
23. Last time you went bowling? Um…it has been a long time…I do believe that it was Christmas break last year with Miss Tiffani Martini and Marissa Grunt.
24. Something unusual about you? Well, last year I said that I couldn’t wink, but now I sort of can (even though it’s not pretty to look at). So I’ll have to say that something unusual about me is that I don’t like strawberries, but I do like certain strawberry flavored things.
25. Favorite breakfast food? Yeah…not a big breakfast person. I have been eating A LOT of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal this year…only it wasn’t for breakfast…
26. Favorite color? Blue!
27. What are you afraid of? Losing a loved one.
28. If you could take a trip anywhere, where would it be? Um…I think England…and actually I will hopefully be studying abroad there next year!
29. What books are you reading? Unfortunately none at the moment…over Christmas break I do plan on reading The Da Vinci Code and hopefully some other books.
30. Piercings? I just have my ears pierced.
31. Favorite movie? Yeah…if you know me at all you know it’s very hard for me to pick just one favorite movie, but I’m going to have to say that Pirates of the Caribbean is still way up there. Johnny Depp AND Orlando Bloom, come on!
32. Favorite basketball team? I’m still going to have to say the LHS basketball team from my senior year.
33. What were you doing before you filled this out? Actually being productive! Woo Hoo!
34. Any pets? Well, Anna is officially an outside cat now, but we have TWO new baby kittens! Pepper is a long haired calico with mitten paws! And Ginger is a long haired orange and white cat. They’re sisters!
35. Instant Messenger name? You probably all have it, especially if you are reading my blog.
36. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? Oh…butter popcocrn…you rock my world.
37. DOGS OR CATS? Definitely a cat person, but I can stand some types of dogs.
38. Favorite Flower? Still Chrysanthemums39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? I’m sure I have, but I can’t think of anything specific…
40. Are you single or taken? That’s funny. Last year I answered “single, but not by choice.” And I'd have to say that still fits for this year…go figure.
41. Have you ever loved someone? Yes, with all my heart…and it was the most wonderful thing anyone could possibly feel. I am so thankful for having the chance to love that much.
42. Who would you like to see right now? My parents, at least I know that they won’t just stop loving me.
43. What's your occupation? No occupation just yet…still an English Education major though…and feeling a bit more confident about it.
44. Have you ever fired a gun? Um…I still don’t know if it was a real gun or not…Danny DeVault had it at one of Matt’s bonfires back in high school
45. Do you like to travel by plane? I can’t really say because I’ve only been on a tiny plane for like 5 minutes on the way to Put-in-Bay in the winter. That is going to make it extremely difficult to be on a plane for such a long time if I study abroad next year.
46. Right-handed or left-handed? Right, but I wish I were ambidextrous. That’d be cool.
47. If you could be with someone right now, who would it be? Um…well I always want to see my family and my girls, but honestly I think Josh and Will because Marissa and them had a lot of fun this last weekend, and I felt left out because I stupidly chose to stay here.
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? I sleep with one pillow under my head, but I lay on my stomach, sort of on my hands…so I really barely use it…um...nevermind.
49. Are you missing someone? Yes, I miss someone probably too much.
50. Do you have a tattoo? Nope.
51. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? Nah…not anymore. If I can I like to sleep in on Saturdays.

I guess not a whole lot has changed...
Procrastinators Unite!

Katherine

A Preview

And since I'm not quite up to my full writing potential yet...a little light reading for you....

Chasing Cars

Exit 95. My eyes shift quickly from the tattered red Ford truck ahead of me to the illuminated green glow of the digital clock – 10:24 a.m. It has been four exits and three hours since I left the near empty gas station where I refueled my car and filled my stomach with the refreshing coffee from the machine. It was supposed to taste like French Vanilla, but had reminded me more of the off brand coffee substitute my grandmother used to buy with the coupons she would receive in the mail. My 2002 Toyota Camry seemed to be steering itself as I successfully switched lanes to make room for the merging vehicles coming up on the right.

As the speedometer makes its way back down to 60 mph I feel a tickle in my nose and sneeze almost uncontrollably, twice. I remember reading somewhere that it’s impossible to keep your eyes open during those few seconds when you sneeze, and I wonder how many minutes I’ve spent with my eyes closed so far during the journey. For the past couple of days I have been dealing with a minor cold that was so inconveniently given to me by a coworker. Glancing through the rear view mirror at my usually tidy backseat I cringe at the sight of dozens of used white Kleenex that had been rolled into soft balls and tossed behind me. Due to the absence of a trash bag of any sort, the little balls of white are randomly spread around the car, lying on the tan leather seats, shoved into the side pockets of the car door, or placed on the floor, hidden from view.

It’s unusually bright as the sun shines through my windshield, and I have to squint slightly as I feel for the visor and pull it to the left side of the window without removing my eyes from the never-ending stretch of road ahead. I’ve had my car for months now, but I can still detect a pinch of new car smell, even through the cheap coffee that I had finished over 130 miles ago. Steadying the wheel with my left hand, I use only my right index finger to turn on the radio and switch from station to station until I hear a familiar song. A case full of c.d.s lay in the passenger seat next to me, but I opt for the radio instead because I’d rather leave the music selections up to an infinite source. “Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter” softly reverberates from the speakers and I’m immediately taken back in time.


“Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it’s alright,” he sang along mockingly to the Beatles tune. The music bounced off the walls of the bus as it trekked along Main Street on the late February night. It was nearing the end of winter, but tonight the snow was gliding sweetly from the sparkling sky, like angels coming down from heaven.

“Hey, I love this song,” I said shivering from the cold breeze that creaked through the constantly frosted windows. My hands, possibly the only warmth in my entire body, were shoved into the pockets of my black pea coat and I played with the ball of tissues inside.

“Well, I love you,” he pulled me closer to him and kissed my rose tinted cheek. After a moment of silence a cloud of cold air escaped from my mouth and I let out a gentle, “Really? Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent positive,” he nodded his head in a definite manner. Not wasting a single instant I replied with four words that I was already so sure of, “I love you too.”

Justin and I had met nearly two months ago at my cousin’s 21st birthday party. Being one of the only freshmen amidst the crowded zoo of upperclassmen, I didn’t really notice him until half way through the evening when my obviously intoxicated cousin introduced him as “the dude who sits behind me in Calculus.” For the rest of the night I stood facing his 5 foot 11 physique, fixing my attention on his chocolate brown eyes. They were the color of every other person’s at the party, yet the simplicity of the brown against the rest of his features made them unexpectedly unique. With his arms crossed firmly across his chest, you could see the outline of the blue veins flowing across the discrete muscles that glistened even in the dim light. His broad shoulders arched forward with every movement he made, and every time those dimples formed into that wide mischievous smirk I couldn’t help but smile myself. There was nothing extraordinary about his appearance, but I sensed something in him that the naked eye alone couldn’t see and though I’m not quite sure what it was, I was hooked.

If you want to read more, just let me know
Hopefully soon I'll be back to my old writing crazy self...

Katherine

I'm Thankful for Breaks!

Well, unfortunately Thanksgiving break has already come and gone. I had such an amazingly great time, even though I had just a bit of trouble with all the ex boyfriend memories (you know, I really hate that word...ex boyfriend...it sounds so harsh...so final). So I got hardly any work done on my eight page research paper and ended up staying up til 5 a.m. last night finishing it so I could turn it in this morning, but hey. It's all good. No worries! (Other than all the other crap I have to do between now and Christmas break...) So I won't go on and on about every single little detail about my break because we all know how boring that is...I'll just give you a little idea of how great it was... using pictures! Yay! Everyone loves pictures!

Wednesday night I went to the movies with Amy Dot, Tiffani Martini, Marissa, Brandon, Will, Josh, Greg, and his girlfriend. We saw the movie Happy Feet! It was so wonderful! First of all, it had penguins, which are adorable and it made me want to get up and dance! I laughed more just watching that movie than I have in the past month.

Thursday I spent the whole day at my grandma and grandpa's house eating lots of yummy food and playing games and just having a grand old time with my wonderful family, especially my wonderful cousin, Brittany Marie McMullen. She's pretty much the coolest person I know.
Did I mention how much yummy food I ate?

I got to spend time with our two new adorable kittens. We spent almost the whole weekend trying to decide on names and I think we finally ended with Ginger for the white and orange one and Pepper for the calico one with mitten paws. (Personally, I think that she looks more like a Nutmeg, but that's okay...) We got everyone to agree on Pepper so we better stick with it. They're so cute, I can't wait to spend more time with them during Christmas break!

I went out to dinner with all the beautiful loves of my life: Tiffani, Ashley, Marissa, Bri, Amy, and Beth (who is taking the picture). We ate at Applebee's, then got yummy ice cream at Cold Stone. Then we went back to our house and oddly enough...looked at wedding dresses and engagement rings...geeze. Last year we were playing the ha ha game and this year we're planning our freaking weddings...I don't want to grow up! Let's just play with some barbies or something, darn it!


Well, that was my break in a nutshell. It was so great and it was too short. Now I'm overwhelmed with work and stuff...but I'm sure these next 2 1/2 weeks will go by very fast and then I'll be home again...where I belong. Yay!

Is it Christmas yet?
I'm always happy during Christmas...

Katherine

I guess it just poured out of me

Today would have been our six month anniversary. I was looking at my calendar and had to scribble it out because apparently I had written it in back when he may have actually loved me. Not a day has passed since the break up that I haven't cried. I thought I was doing fine, but as it turns out, I was wrong. The tears come too easily. Was I naive to believe that my dream guy, the one I liked all through high school, could actually be the one? Was I stupid for falling in love so easily? In my defense, you can't help who you fall in love with. It's not something you can control. And it's not like I wish I'd never fallen in love iwth him in the first place. I don't regret it, even after all this pain. I don't regret the few months of pure bliss where I would wake up every morning thinking how lucky I was. Who would? It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. At least that's what they say. I believe it. Back when I thought he loved me was wonderful. Does it matter that it may have all been a lie? Does it matter that he fell out of love with me? Does anything matter anymore? You'd think I'd want to blame him. It's his fault for leading me on, it's his fault for not giving it a try. I can't blame him. You can't be mad at someone for doing the right thing. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me enough to try or someone who doesn't even love me period. I don't want him to be in a relationship that he doesn't want to be in. That wouldn't be pleasing to anyone. For a week and a half I'd been listening to music, sad music about heartbreaks and love (I wasn't strong enough for the hopeful songs). I haven't listened to any music at all in the past two days. I guess I'm just sick of it all. I'm depressed. I'm heartbroken. I am more miserable now than I have ever been. The music is beginning to sound like broken records. No matter what the lyrics are saying all I hear is "he doesn't love you." It's all that goes through my mind. I think of all the great times we had. "He doesn't love you." I look at the pictures and read the old text messages and letters. "He doesn't love you." I cry because I can't stop loving him. "He doesn't love you." Get over it, move on. It's over. It will never be the same. I know that it was the right thing to do. I want him to be happy. He's a great guy, the best I've ever known. He deserves to be happy. If it wasn't me making him happy it should be someone else. I know that. I know that I'll get through this with time. I've seen enough to know that. It's just going to be bad and hurt worse before it gets better. I have to face the facts. I have to convince myself that he doesn't love me. Nothing else will help me get through this. Even though right now I can't truthfully say that I want to get through this, that I want to get over him. His smile still makes me weak in the knees. His laugh still makes me want to never stop joking. I am amazed by him, I always was. Just seeing him makes me want to fall into his arms. But I can't. Those arms aren't mine anymore. They're no longer safe. I don't feel safe anymore. I have a lot of wonderful people who love and care about me. I am so unbelievably grateful for them, but still all those people who do love me doesn't make up for the one who doesn't. I have to accept it, I have to move on. I have to stop crying (I don't want to...). I have to stop expecting to see his name come up every time I get a phone call. I have to stop looking at all the stuff that reminds me of him. Which is impossible because everything screams his name. I can't escape. I can't hide. And I can't do anything to make the tears stop. "He doesn't love you. He doesn't love you. He doesn't love you." The more I say it the more I try to move on. It's not happening yet. It won't for a while. Patience is a virtue. I waited all through high school to have my chance with him. I waited months for him to loosen up and not be so shy. It seems only right that I had to wait until he was brave enough to end it. It seems only right that I now have to wait to get over him. it's not going to be easy, but that's just the way it is. Break some hearts, have your heart broken, there's no avoiding it. I know that. I know a lot of things...all except why he doesn't love me anymore (if he ever did...) And that is something I may never know, but it doesn't really matter either way. "He doesn't love you." From the moment the words came out of his mouth until the day I'm really alright that's all that matters.

I guess that wasn't enough

You know we always had each other baby
I guess that wasn't enough
Oh, but here in my heart
I give you the best of my love

Well, needless to say...I may not be posting for a while...I don't think I'll be in the mood...I'm sorry for those of you who like to read this thing...hopefully you keep reading once things get better...Um, I really don't have much else to say...I'm just trying to get through the days until Thanksgiving break, or Christmas break for that matter...I hope they come fast because I really just need to be home right now...

Everything will be alright...
In time...

Katherine